Round 3

Shirley and I experienced our second visit to Memorial Sloan Kettering today. Getting her pre-op done in preparation for tomorrow's surgery. FILO, started at 8 am after walking up from Grand Central and arrived home after 6 pm. Back in tomorrow by car despite POTUS being on the east side of Manhattan. We are old hands now and seem to take it in stride, though I shudder at the thought of more surgery and excising her melanoma. Necessary, but a bitch.

Savoring a beautiful day in Bruce Park...

HOW TO SLEEP LIKE A LOG AND MANAGE STRESS NATURALLY

Thursday, May 29th  2:00 PM

The Friends and Staff of Cos Cob Library welcome Michael Mendribil, ND who will unlock the mysteries of stress hormones and how they get in the way of a good night's sleep and a joyful and productive life. Michael Mendribil will uncover the roots of this common problem and explain which supplements, herbal and nutritional protocols, and lifestyle adjustments might help. If you or someone you know has difficulty sleeping or is over-stressed, come and hear how you can start to sleep well and manage your demanding life. No registration is required for this program. In the Community Room of the Cos Cob Library

Pregnancy cravings?

Remember Pregnancy Cravings?

They’re Back.

Odd, but true, if you’ve been through pregnancy with your wife, you’ve had preparation for some of the rigors and nuances of treatment for breast cancer, whether surgery, chemotherapy, hormone therapy, radiation therapy or a combination of all of these.  In Shirley’s case, following her first modified radical mastectomy, we had six months of chemotherapy and hormone therapy, then six weeks of daily radiation therapy, followed by another six months of chemotherapy.  It was a long year for both of us.  She was the one getting zapped, as she called it at the time, but we were experiencing treatment.

Shirley applied a lesson from pregnancy to her approach to chemotherapy.  When she was pregnant with our daughter, Alison, a friend told her that not all women have severe morning sickness.  That knowledge or suggestion led her to a pregnancy with relatively little or mild morning sickness.  Mind over matter?  The power of self-talk? 

Shirley understood in her soul that each of us is unique.  Each of us reacts in our own unique manner to chemotherapy.  One size does not fit all.  As a result, her experience with her very aggressive treatment regimen was relatively mild, at least when compared with horror stories about chemo.  She did have her moments, but understood she was getting closer each time to the end of treatment and staying alive.

The other parallel to pregnancy was food cravings.  I would often be asked to pick up Chocolate Chocolate Hagen-Dazs ice cream, or some other food or beverage she was craving.  This ran the gamut from pretzel sticks as a munchie to eating peppermint candy to get rid of the metallic taste left by her chemo treatment.  All of this, of course, meant that I was often the family shopper, picking up the groceries, a task long since reclaimed by Shirley.

Cook A Meal

Shirley has always been and remains a great cook, whether making a fancy meal or emptying the refrigerator of all leftovers for a delicious soup.  But now is the time to give her a break.  You prepare meals from start to finish: shopping, preparing, cooking, serving and especially cleaning up afterwards.  That means the whole job, so once again she saves her strength and energy for the important work at hand.

Men are supposed to be the world’s greatest chefs, so be one.  Bring out your creative and nurturing side, figuratively and literally.  Develop a new talent or build on an old one.  Are you out of practice because she’s such a good cook, now’s the time to plunge back in. Develop your talent.  Life is much more enjoyable being a Renaissance man, a multi-talented person using both your right and left brain.

And she may want simple things, as not all food appeals during the course of her chemotherapy treatment.  Bon appetit.

Sandy 3, Peter 0 - No New York Post

Help With Your Child or Children

Shirley and I have been blessed with one child, our daughter, Alison, who was three years old when we started Shirley’s treatment.  Dick Hollister, her oncologist, gave us a choice following her surgery: the option of having more children or aggressive treatment that might save Shirley’s life, a long shot at best, but a remote possibility.  Our joint decision, our opting for her life, took a nanosecond.

Raising Alison, being her mother, was Shirley’s passionate mission.  It was her reason for living and surviving, for beating her cancer.  Her only major regret or concern was whether she would live to see Alison grow up, become a woman, pursue her dreams, find love, marry, and, God willing, make her a grand-mother.  There is simply no joy comparable to being a parent, whether a mother or a father.  No happiness is greater than being with your child and experiencing their growth.

Shirley was an accomplished, talented elementary school teacher.  She might have sought full time employment, but cancer changed her course and our course.  She worked part-time instead in elementary school and early childhood education in order to enable her to be home for Alison.  She was for all intents and purposes a full-time Mom, the noblest and most difficult of career choices.  It was and is a difficult economic squeeze that allowed Shirley to live her passion and be a real Mom.  If you meet Alison today, you’ll know she made the right choice.

Your children need both of you.  Depending on their age, they may or may not really understand what is happening, or share your anxiety and fears.  They will know that something is amiss.  They need you both.  And she will need you to take over more and more as chemotherapy or radiation take their toll, making her tired and sick, taking away her energy and leaving her in need of rest.

She is a warrior doing battle.  To win ultimate victory, let her husband (what a marvelous word) her strength and resources.  She will do what she can.  She will want to be involved.  But you need to step in seamlessly when she needs down time.  Can you give a greater gift?

And our joyous update is that Shirley and I together walked Alison down the aisle on May 27, 1011 to wed the world’s ultimate romantic, a Renaissance man who gives her joy, love, and respect every day: Pete D’Alessandro. Alison today is a talented writer pursuing her dreams in Hollywood.

No more mid-life bimbo

Let Her Know You’re There

for the Long Haul

Remove any fear of abandonment.  It has been reported that 7 of 10 husbands leave and divorce after their wife is diagnosed and treated for breast cancer.  Not very good for we men, however, the same rate of breakup is true for almost any trauma in a couple’s life, such as a child with severe disabilities.  If a marriage relationship is weak already, not well grounded, it can be torn asunder.  Conversely, a basically solid relationship will become better and richer getting through an adversity like this.

We as a culture are experiencing a 60% divorce rate with or without trauma as a precipitating “cause.”  We now read about young people having “starter marriages” as a prelude to or preparation for a “real” marriage.  Whatever happened to “in sickness and in health” or “until death us do part.”  Be a real man.  Love her.  Reassure her.  Remember the love and the friendship that brought you together.  Stay with her.  Grow with her. Let her complete you as she did before cancer struck.  Your wedding vows are sacred.  They are meant for a lifetime.

When the dust settles after this battle, a real man is still standing together with his soul mate, his lover, his bride, his partner for life, and, if so blessed, the mother of his children.

You will be glad you did this.

Go to Her Appointments

Go to the multitude of appointments with your wife, your partner, as much as you can, holding her hand literally and figuratively.  In 1982, I had the luxury of relative independence in my 24/7 position as the CEO of an innovative and unique community health education and wellness center.  I built my profes-sional and community calendar around Shirley’s treatment schedule.  I went with Shirley to virtually every physician visit, every chemotherapy appoint-ment.  I felt a bit guilty about sitting in the waiting room, not going into the exam room with her for the actual treatments.  Perhaps a bit of a wimp or squeamish, but I was with her in mind, body, and spirit every step of the way. If it were possible, I would have taken it for her, traded places with her.

It is not what you do when you accompany her to treatment, but rather the act itself that speaks volumes to her.  It also gives you some sense of empowerment.  You are more than a helpless spec-tator cursing the damned disease.  You have joined the battle.  You are helping wrest control from the cancer along with your wife, your family and friends, your treatment team, and all of the support system around you.

There is also a practical side.  Hearing a diagnosis of cancer overwhelms the senses.  Doctors try to help you understand, but their daily jargon, the language of medicine, might as well be classical Greek or Latin.  With two of you there, there are two sets of ears to hear what is said.  There are two mouths to ask questions.  This helps avoid the tendency to hear what you want to hear.  Being with her each time will reassure her, help her overcome, and make you feel good about yourself.  She’ll love you for it.

Go to Her Appointments

Go to the multitude of appointments with your wife, your partner, as much as you can, holding her hand literally and figuratively.  In 1982, I had the luxury of relative independence in my 24/7 position as the CEO of an innovative and unique community health education and wellness center.  I built my profes-sional and community calendar around Shirley’s treatment schedule.  I went with Shirley to virtually every physician visit, every chemotherapy appoint-ment.  I felt a bit guilty about sitting in the waiting room, not going into the exam room with her for the actual treatments.  Perhaps a bit of a wimp or squeamish, but I was with her in mind, body, and spirit every step of the way. If it were possible, I would have taken it for her, traded places with her.

It is not what you do when you accompany her to treatment, but rather the act itself that speaks volumes to her.  It also gives you some sense of empowerment.  You are more than a helpless spec-tator cursing the damned disease.  You have joined the battle.  You are helping wrest control from the cancer along with your wife, your family and friends, your treatment team, and all of the support system around you.

There is also a practical side.  Hearing a diagnosis of cancer overwhelms the senses.  Doctors try to help you understand, but their daily jargon, the language of medicine, might as well be classical Greek or Latin.  With two of you there, there are two sets of ears to hear what is said.  There are two mouths to ask questions.  This helps avoid the tendency to hear what you want to hear.  Being with her each time will reassure her, help her overcome, and make you feel good about yourself.  She’ll love you for it.

Go to Her Appointments

Go to the multitude of appointments with your wife, your partner, as much as you can, holding her hand literally and figuratively.  In 1982, I had the luxury of relative independence in my 24/7 position as the CEO of an innovative and unique community health education and wellness center.  I built my profes-sional and community calendar around Shirley’s treatment schedule.  I went with Shirley to virtually every physician visit, every chemotherapy appoint-ment.  I felt a bit guilty about sitting in the waiting room, not going into the exam room with her for the actual treatments.  Perhaps a bit of a wimp or squeamish, but I was with her in mind, body, and spirit every step of the way. If it were possible, I would have taken it for her, traded places with her.

It is not what you do when you accompany her to treatment, but rather the act itself that speaks volumes to her.  It also gives you some sense of empowerment.  You are more than a helpless spec-tator cursing the damned disease.  You have joined the battle.  You are helping wrest control from the cancer along with your wife, your family and friends, your treatment team, and all of the support system around you.

There is also a practical side.  Hearing a diagnosis of cancer overwhelms the senses.  Doctors try to help you understand, but their daily jargon, the language of medicine, might as well be classical Greek or Latin.  With two of you there, there are two sets of ears to hear what is said.  There are two mouths to ask questions.  This helps avoid the tendency to hear what you want to hear.  Being with her each time will reassure her, help her overcome, and make you feel good about yourself.  She’ll love you for it.